So this post is a little different than most of the other posts that I have written for this blog. Let me start this post by saying that I have over 1100 songs on my iPhone alone. I am a music addict plain and simple. I love everything from classic jazz to metal and everything in between the two. We were laying on my bed listening to my playlist on shuffle and realized just how many songs were written about people doing something that should make them completely UNdateable, but because it is a catchy song we sing along and think its great. So here is a list of popular songs, and why if it were a real person carrying out these actions they would be UNdateable. I am writing this list to possibly enhance everyones iTunes playlist, but mostly just to make everyone laugh at how ridiculous these folks are. If you can think of any other songs please email them to me or comment them and I will add them to the list!
Stalking:
Follow You Home- Nickelback : Why this song makes someone undateable is stated clearly in the title. Ladies, if a man is following you home for ANY reason, he is a creepy stalker. It isn’t cute, he isn’t showing you how much he likes you he is only showing you how crazy he is. So call the cops, place that restraining order, buy some fabulous shoes, and press next on your iPod.
Paparazzi- Lady GaGa: So if someone is just following you around taking pictures of you and you aren’t Lindsey Lohan, it probably isn’t good and he may try and assassinate the president in your name. Great song though. . .
The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get- Morrissey: Another guy that doesn’t understand that a girl ignoring him means she ISN’T interested, not “chase me more!”
I Will Possess Your Heart- Death Cab For Cutie: Although I have always loved this song I have always thought it was a little creepy. I mean honestly, I kind of need my heart to continue to write this blog, thank you though.
One Way or Another- Blondie: I must say, gotta give this bitch props for not giving up.
Honorable Mentions;
I Want You- Elvis Costello
Obsession- Animotion
Pinkerton- Weezer
#1 Crush- Garbage
Creep- Radiohead
Stan- Eminem
Bathwater- No Doubt
Alone- Barracuda
Jessie’s Girl- Rick Springfield
Prove My Love- Violent Femmes
Gonna Get Close to You- Dalbello
Always- Bon Jovi
Poofing
Hey Boy- The Blow: This song is about a boy that **poofs** and her friends trying to justify it to her. Ladies, quit making excuses for the jackass and move on to something better. Your netflix queue is calling, quit waiting for him.
He Better Be Dead- Stealing Angels: Another man has **poofed** and caused a woman to go off the deep end. Ladies, follow my aforementioned advice and go buy yourself some fabulous shoes and go dancing with your girlfriends. They are your real soulmates.
Cheating:
Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood: I will devote an entire blog article to the person that carries (haha pun intended) this song on my ex-boyfriend’s beloved truck. Just saying Carrie may have an idea. If he cheats once, he will do it again mark my words.
The Thunder Rolls- Garth Brooks: Here is another cheating song that doesn’t end quite and happily as Carrie’s. In this one the woman doesn’t destroy his belongings she just kills him. Although I can’t really blame her, remember ladies I do not condone murder and filing for divorce and taking everything he owns can be just as sadistically pleasurable.
Confessions-Usher: Another no brainer. If your boyfriend has knocked up another girl he has obviously cheated and needs to go to the island of loser men (my next blog post will explain this concept.)
Cheating song honorable mentions:
When Whoever’s in New England is Through With You- Reba McEntire
Dilemma- Nelly
When a Woman’s Not Watching- James Otto
A Woman Knows- John Anderson
Cheater, Cheater- Joey & Rory
Stay- Sugarland
Room 21- Hinder
White Liar- Miranda Lambert
Violence:
Gunpowder and Lead- Miranda Lambert: Once again ladies I cannot condone murdering your spouse, but a good ole fashioned Southern ass kicking wouldn’t hurt this guy one bit.
Next Contestant- Nickelback: So I can personally attest to why this man is undateable because I have dated one of them, in fact, I think I dated the person this song was written about. If I was out with my X and anything that could possible have a dick came up and talked to me he would lunge at them like a rabid dog. It was overkill and very embarrassing.
977- The Pretenders: Ladies there is a thick black line between love and abuse. If you even think that you may be abused, you probably are. Get help. Reach out to someone.
Behind the Wall- Tracy Chapman
Substance Abuse:
Rehab- Amy Winehouse: If your significant other needs to be in rehab but refuses to go, kick them to the curb and wish them the best of luck. Your momma always said “You are the company you keep” and in this one instance, bonus point for momma.
Last Call- Lee Ann Womack: Ladies, I have been this girl and let me tell you, if you become a guys “drunk dial” delete him. If he only calls after a bottle of cheap whiskey, he isn’t worth it.
Addicted- Saving Abel: Even if it is sex that he is addicted to, it isn’t a good sign ladies.
White Rabbit- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals: Its all in the title folks.
The Guy that Only Wants Sex:
Paradise By The Dashboard Lights- Meatloaf: Although this is one of my favorite songs, the guy is an asshole. We all know that a guy will do anything to get in your pants, this song just illustrates it colorfully.
Your Sex is on Fire- Kings of Leon: This means not only does he want to have sex with you, he has had sex with so many people that he has got something Ajax couldn’t take off. They have a cream for that KOL.
General Asshole Behaviors:
Jack of Hearts- Sarah Darling: I agree Sarah dear, we should all trust our guts when meeting a new guy. If he seems like he is too good to be true or a closet prick, he probably is and we should run away as far and as fast as we can. Just run until you pass out, then you MAY be far enough away from THIS undateable guy.
Maybe- Ingrid Michaelson: This is the guy that broke your heart when he broke up with you, BUT left you hope that he may come back: I’m not ready to be serious, I need to see other people to know if I am ready, I need to find myself, etc. If he comes back, give him a kick in the tooshie for me please.
More Like Her- Miranda Lambert: If a guy EVER makes you feel like you need to be more like someone else for him to love you, give him a kick in the pants. No man should ever compare you to someone else. I learned the hard way that I am enough for some man, and trying to be another woman for him will lead to him leaving you anyways. You are amazing because you are you, not because you were “more like her.”
Maybe He’ll Notice Her Now- Mindy McCready: If you have to light hoops on fire and jump through them wearing lingerie and hooker heels while cooking dinner and juggling rabbits to get your man to look at you, you are working way to hard. Leave him and when he realizes that he misses the hoops and lingerie, kick this man in the tooshie too.
Space- Sarah Buxton: Guys that ask for space give me a headache. I am sorry would it make you happy if I moved to the moon? I am sorry that I called to tell you to pick up your shit from my apartment before I burned it, next time I will just throw your $10,000 gun collection and every article of the clothing in the trash for trash day, and when you ask why say “buy baby you wanted space.”
What Do You Want From Me- Jerrod Nieman: AMEN Jerrod. Finally someone who just came out and said it. We have all known,dated,married a game player. These are the people that make playing bridge seem easy. They have turned their lives into a series of mind games and want you to play. Sorry boys, the only game I play is Candy Land.
This last song I had to put in a category all its own because it has a special jackass story in my life. Many years ago the guy that I have dated ON and OFF since 2003 and I broke up because we had some little spat. He then proceeded to move one of my best friends into my apartment and they BOTH lied to me about it. So not only did I lose my boyfriend, but one of my best friends as well. Eventually he realized that he missed me, shocker I know, and decided it would be a good idea to pay his musician friend to leave this song on my voicemail (knowing that I WOULD NOT be answering his calls. Sadly ladies, this ploy worked and we dated for another 2 1/2 years afterwords. So I must give a special shout out to:
Lips Of An Angel- Hinder.
0 comments:
Post a Comment